Today is your funeral and I am a half a world away. There are no words that I know of that would correctly describe how I am feeling right now. I’ve been walking around your favorite place in Central Park as I clearly couldn’t make it to your funeral; I thought that it would allow some sort of closure, a walking memorial of you. This sadly was a horrible assumption. Surrounded by memories of you has only made this longing worse. I keep hoping that this was all a bad dream, that I will wake up to you calling me at 2am to tell me how your morning was, or to a facetime of you doing something amazingly adventurous like when you called out of work for a few days to impulsively go hang gliding in New Zealand, you know I wish I was there with you, more than you know, perhaps you would still be alive. You saved me from myself so many times I lost track, words can’t express how much I wish I had been there to pay you back.. I know that you wouldn’t want me to think that way or to blame myself but god I can’t help thinking “what if”. If I had been there with you would things have turned out this way? If I had responded to that last late night text a little earlier? If you stayed here and we moved in together? If we went to the courthouse like we talked about and together we left with a new last name? Would any of these things have made any difference? Would this all have turned out the same?
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t know you had these demons, Hell we fought the same ones. Remember that time we wandered around in the rain comparing all of our scars, mostly metaphorical, a couple actual physical scars; they were identical. I always thought that the only real difference between us was that you were stronger than I was. You had the courage I never had and took the chance I always wanted to do, you left everything you knew, everything that was bringing you down to start a new life here. I was torn apart when you left, you always said that you had no reason to go back to Seoul, that you would wait till I could go back there with you. Our lives started a half a world apart and I swear that when I met you I saw the missing half of my heart in you. It’s strange to think that I will never hear your laugh again, or see the way that you shyly hide your teeth that you were always self conscious about. It’s strange to think of a life without you. It’s strange to think…