YEPITSPAT / Pat Byrnes

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2019.10.07

Sorry I haven’t written in a while, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, perhaps too much thinking. At one point I started to feel so much resentment toward you, like I should hate you for this. At another point I stood where I first told you how I felt for what seemed like hours, I thought about joining you. I started and stopped medication again for the third time since you left, it’s been over a year since I held you. I keep having these dreams, nightmares; you and I were running away together, but we were actually running away from something, you stumble and trip I turn quickly and scream your name but you don’t hear me, and then everything around me goes dark. I don’t know exactly what they mean, but there’s definitely a metaphor there. I thought if I didn’t make a point to write I could try and let go, but I don’t think can ever let you go, you will always be a part of me; I keep you with me all the time. I’ve tried to open up a bit more to a few people, but I always feel like I’m over sharing and coming off as crazy. I started to think that I wish I had never met you; that that would solve everything. Think about it, all the times I had been in that park where we first met, what if you never accidentally backed up into me? If I wasn’t there? Or even if you did, what if I hadn’t instinctively responded in Korean when you apologized for it? Would we have met anyway? Would it have changed anything? Was this fated? Would your life have ended the same either way? But what I realized is that if in all the never ending possibile timelines this was you’re fate, the only two things I regret is that I didn’t meet you sooner in life; I don’t regret all the time we spent together, the good or the bad, I don’t regret any of it; and the second: that I wasn’t there to save you, in any or all of those infinite possible timelines. I’ve read and reread the letter you sent me so many times I could probably recite, I know you wouldn’t want me thinking this was my fault, and I’m finally at a point where I can accept that it’s not, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have been there for you; that I can for a second think that I shouldn’t have tried to save you if I could. Sorry if it’s hard to keep up with my train of thought, my mind is so fragmented these days, I find myself forgetting a lot of simple things, but you, you I can’t forget; you said if there’s one thing you wish it’s for me to remember you, I remember everything.

2019.08.26