It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here, and if I’m being honest I think that this journal has had the opposite effect than intended. Every time I sit and write here, I fall to pieces all over again; so this may be the last time I write anything. Not that I go a single day without thinking about you, but I can’t keep feeling guilty about not writing here, I’m tired of falling apart, but more importantly, I think you’d want me to try to live; to move on.
If I could take it all back, knowing what I know, but the morning before we met, I’d do everything the same, but I would’ve asked you to stay that day. I never want to feel the way I felt the day you left, or the day I had to say goodbye; I still think about you all the time. If I could somehow wake up on the day that you left I would do everything I could to make you stay; God I was hoping you’d stay. If I could change just one thing that would be it; not any of the stupid arguments or bickering, or our differences, it would be you leaving. I couldn’t change the pain you were battling while you were gone, I couldn’t save you like you saved me. I told you I’d always be there for you, but when you needed me the most couldn’t be there. I awoke to a missed call, the last call you ever made; a lost voicemail “I’m sorry” is all you said. Ironic, since the first thing you said to me was 죄송합니다 I guess it all came full circle; oh, but the times we had in between, the best of my life.
I wish I could have been there, as you went to bed it should’ve been my hand in yours, not a handful of pills. An almost empty memorial service, a half a world away; how you meant so little to so many when you meant the world to me.
I loved your dark, your pain, your everything; I still do