YEPITSPAT / Pat Byrnes


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I was upset, angry, and I'm not sorry

I buried a past me only to dig up remnants of an even older me, one that felt free.  The me I buried had his vision so cloudy he could barely see.  He'd stumble through the day, as if on autopilot, wondering what's the point of living, I never want to feel that way ever again. My hopes never got higher than my feet while I would drag them to a dead end job that wouldn't pay enough to eat and pay bills, let alone afford me peace of mind.  The world was so dark, and nothing was beautiful, I never want to see the world that way again.

I fought through darkness, unburied what was left of a hopeful kid, one who saw beauty in everything.  Tried to resurrect his hopes, his dreams. He left some of these things behind along with some friends, I could easily reach out to them right? friendship never truly ends? But I forgot that he's been dead to the world for years, he left all these webs of twine between friends far too tangled to be able to rewind.  Some of these chords tangled worse than others, he never truly cut ties, I am proud of where these friends have been but these friends will never again be the way I see them in my mind.  He saw the best in all of these people, knew they would go on to do great things because the future looked bright, I want to see this way again.  Perhaps with a lot of work I can sort all of this with time, he never gave up on people and neither should I.  His hopes seem less likely now, some had less than happy results, others would've already come to pass.  His dreams have been perverted by time, and betrayed by a bitter mind.  However there are pieces of both to put back together, a puzzle of sorts, a makeshift parachute for my free-fall.

I had left both versions abruptly for very different reasons, however, in both I was upset, angry, and I can now definitively say I'm not sorry.  Although I would love to be who I was a decade ago, I am not sure I could handle having to lose what I've learned since.  Similarly, I'd love to have never felt the way I have this last year or so, but I'd never wish away the strength I gained from seeing such darkness.  Both versions of my past self made me who I now am, and I'm not sorry for who I am.

Starting Now I'm Starting Over...

Not a lot right now makes sense to me