For a while I thought that people only got lost when they tried to go somewhere, like their lives only got hard because of the goals they've set, because they took the road less traveled. But I hadn't realized that perhaps staying in the same place for too long, you may lose your way too. You see, all this time I've been wondering around life like a ghost, it's funny, you died and yet I stopped living too. Perhaps I was trying not to change too much, as if you were going to come back and not recognize me if I did. I know how crazy that sounds. Perhaps that's just a cop out for not being able to summon enough courage to try and fight the current that I've been stuck in. The problem with that is, I've been stuck in this current for so long that I'm drowning now. I've been so far gone for so long that I can't even see which direction to go, truly, I'm lost. I've taken some time to try and reorganize my thoughts, this brought many sleepless nights, a horrendous change in diet, several panic attacks, and walking depression; and this is the only conclusion I've come to, I'm lost. I never tried to map out my life, what I want to do, or where I was going. Part of me felt like eventually fate would take care of all of that. I know I've always wanted to do something within the arts, but I'm not sure why. Perhaps because music, drawing, and photography always came so naturally to me. So I'd figured a long time ago that I'd take a job working and focus my spare time on my art, but was I simply going with the path that seemed easy? Was I ever really planning on making a living from art? or had I given up on that idea the second that I designated it to my spare time? I can't continue to pretend that I'm happy with where I currently am, but I'm learning that that's okay. It's okay not to be content with where you are, it was the pretending that got me lost, by pretending I stopped striving for something better. I'm not happy, and I'm not okay with that, and I'm not going to pretend to be.
... I'll be following up this train of thought within the "On Life" tag hopefully fairly regularly, sort of like a journal of thoughts.