YEPITSPAT / Pat Byrnes


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The way my world was

I watched, almost as if in slow motion, as I fucked everything up. I became accustomed to that feeling, comfortable in calamity. I held on to the feeling, refusing to let go of the only thing I had ever known, holding myself back in the process. I hadn't realized this. I had never realized that despite any and all intentions, I've been stagnant, bogged down, and sinking. My chin was still above water, so I was fine. This had been my life for as long as I can remember, surviving was what life was about. "This is just the way the world is" a phrase I had heard repeatedly through life, from educators to friends, family to clergy. So I went on living this way, simply surviving, because after all this is just how the world is. There were things I'd do that would temporarily numb me to this thought, give me temporary satisfaction that I was somehow enjoying myself, that despite this being the way the world is I had found a loophole. At the end of the night though, it was back to surviving. Would I survive through the night? Can I get by another day after that? Being miserable is just the way the world is, everybody hates homework, assignments, their job. As years went by the world seemed to get miserable, is this how everybody feels all the time? This is how their world is? Do they all hate their own pulse because it thinks they're still alive? Sure we all have scars, but some days it feels like I'm still bleeding. Wait a minute, this isn't how everybody's world is.

"This is just the way the world is" words that have haunted my life and stunted my spirit. This, is just the way the world is. This can't just be how the world is, or this is how it would be for everyone. Have I been on a different world this entire time? No, so if this isn't how the world is for everybody than clearly there's a way that it doesn't have to be this way for me. If "this" is just the way the world is than either the world changed or the meaning of this had changed, because "this" is not what is read about in historical writings; and if either one of those things have changed it can happen again. "this" isn't how the world has to be, but first we have to break out of this mindset that we've been accustomed to. "This is just the way the world is" is nothing more than a phrase designed to keep you from asking questions, from wanting more out of life, to keep you down.

...I've Been Running on Empty