It’s almost Christmas and it doesn’t feel like it at all to me, part of me just wishes I could just sleep through the entire winter. Jae and Chaplin convinced me to hang out again (another December 22nd spent as a third wheel) but I know the conversation will be much worse than last year’s, where instead of then trying to convince me that you’ll be back, or that we’ll be together again before I know it, they’ll say things like how I need to move on and continue with my life; I’m not sure if I actually want to. Maybe it’s because I’ve been on and off my meds again, it’s just that I know that when I’m on them I’m numb to the sadness, but I know it’s still there, when I’m off them I still feel it as much as I could still feel you. It’s like the meds numb how sad I am that you’re not here anymore and that itself upsets me as if they’re trying to numb how much I miss you, or numb how you’re never coming back. Maybe everybody is right and I should try to move forward, but I don’t know what to do, or where to go without you; you were my future plans, I was going to move to Seoul and we were going to both get jobs we didn’t really like, but we would shrug them off together. Like I said it’s almost Christmas, you loved this time of year, you said NYC was like a completely different world this time of year; one like what all the great Christmas songs were about. You were always so hopeful. I know it’s absolutely pointless to say it, but if I could have one Christmas wish it would be you; to have you back, to have you right here, to have you stay, to never have had to say goodbye. You would be my only Christmas wish.